Today’s Headline: Recession Forces Kid From “Blank Check” To Foreclose On Castle
The nation held its breath today as one of its most iconic millionaires, the kid from Blank Check, announced that, due to the effects of the global economic recession, he was forced to foreclose on his “really awesome” castle. Owned since 1994, the castle, remodeled to include a go-kart track and a waterslide that goes from indoors to the outside swimming pool, is the latest victim of the subprime mortgage crisis.
Holding a press conference, the kid from Blank Check said, “As I hung upside-down on my fly paper wall, I just remembered that God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.” He then attempted to wipe a tear from his eye, but had trouble due to the gigantic boxing gloves he was wearing.
Bursting into the public eye during the mid-90’s, the kid from Blank Check repeatedly owed all of his success to the fact that he “had a million dollars, after taxes.”
But times had been reportedly tough for the kid from Blank Check as of late. His limo driver, that fat guy who kind of looks like John Candy, was let go in March. “I could tell it was hard for him, but he let me keep the sumo suits,” that guy, who’s surprisingly likable, said. “I guess it’s back to having small roles in movies like Groundhog Day.”
The kid from Blank Check, known among socialites for his countless toy-buying montages set to Bow Wow Wow’s “I Want Candy,” was reportedly seen sitting in the Men’s Suits section at a Bloomingdales, crying into his hands next to a boom box playing Madonna’s “Material Girl.” He was later seen dancing in a fountain, but, as one onlooker remarked, “It came off forced…(and) when he was done he just lied down on a bus stop bench, soaking wet.”
The castle has been swarming with press since speculation began. During his last night there, the kid from Blank Check was seen sadly looking out from the top of his watchtower, listening to a Bobby Brown song.
The nation’s working-class seems less sympathetic to the kid from Blank Check’s troubles. “I don’t know what it’s like to lose that much,” said Tone Lōc, a struggling rapper-who-sometimes-appears-in-Disney-movies, “but, it probably feels like being forced by your manager to appear in mediocre family films to pay off your huge gambling debt.”
“It could be a lot worse,” he continued. “People need to keep perspective. I mean, I saw him on “TMZ” last night, out on a date with Karen Duffy. Karen fucking Duffy.”
However, a close friend to the kid from Blank Check’s family reports that he’s having trouble coming to grips with his new financial situation. The friend notes that he was overly excited to get his tax return, but when he looked at the amount, he shouted, “What a rip-off! It’s a check for nothing!”
To add to his troubles, the kid from Blank Check has recently joined the list of corporate executives under investigation for financial misconduct. When reached for questioning, one prosecutor said, “Honestly, how he bought all of that stuff with just a million dollars… I’m suspecting fraud.”
The kid from Blank Check collects his unemployment.
On a related note, Disney is currently developing a sequel to the 1994 documentary called Unemployment Check, where the kid from Blank Check will buy a jet pack and a robot butler on fifty-one dollars a week.
