Today’s Headline: Superhero Unmasked As Total Douche Bag
When construction worker Bill Humphreys, 46, fell off of a wooden plank twenty-two stories up, he saw his life flash before his eyes. His wedding, the first time his son spoke, and his first day on the job. Right before he drew what was sure to be his last breath, he was caught, in mid-air, by a complete stranger. He looked up and, through the glare of the afternoon sun, he saw the face of regional superhero, Captain Awesome. Between the time when his masked savior safely lowered him to the ground to an ecstatic round of applause from his coworkers, and when the anonymous do-gooder flew off towards the horizon, never asking for so much as a thank you, Bill Humphreys discovered who his mysterious life-saver actually was: a total douche bag.
“I couldn’t believe Captain Awesome saved my life,” said Humphreys. “And I couldn’t believe what a jerk-off he was about it.”
Humphreys went on to describe Captain Awesome, whose aliases include Mr. Wonderful, John Q. Justice, and the Infinity Man, as “self-absorbed, arrogant, and just an all-around asswipe.”
“When he caught me, he didn’t even look me in the eye. All he said was, ‘That’s right, Fatso, it’s Captain Awesome.’ I was so stunned, I didn’t thank him, and I didn’t realize until later that he called me ‘Fatso.’ What a tool.”
Eyewitnesses report that, after saving Humphreys, the superhero stuck around to sign autographs, pose for pictures, and get a high school girl’s phone number.
“It was just…awesome!” guffawed Jimmy Newton, 34, one of Humphreys co-workers. “I was so happy Bill was alive that I didn’t mind paying twenty-five dollars for a Captain Awesome t-shirt. He must be really strong to carry all of those souvenirs under his cape.”
While Captain Awesome blew kisses to the adoring crowd, Humphreys was busy prying himself out of a wheelbarrow.
“I mean, I know he saved my life, but it would have been nice if he didn’t fly away when I tried to ask him about my missing wallet.”
Humphreys says he spotted Captain Awesome’s douchebaggedness quickly, possessing a “good radar for douche bags,” having dealt with them his entire life. “You know, my sister’s boyfriend in college called himself Captain Awesome, too, and he gave her Chlamydia.”
Captain Awesome has dealt with accusations of douchebaggery, dickweedery, and buttsuckery before in his career, but this marks the first time it comes from someone who is not a super-villain.
“Oh, we all hate him,” said evil genius Dr. Bubonix, 52, about the beloved superhero. “Why do you think I’m blowing parts of the city up all the time? Because I hate it? No, I love this town. During our last battle, my Death Copter accidentally torched the building where I rent canoes. That ruined my plans for the entire weekend!”
Even with the situation behind him, Humphreys is unremorseful about unmasking Captain Awesome as a complete nard-breath. “I hope this knowledge doesn’t make the streets more dangerous, but at least when someone snatches a lady’s purse, they don’t force them to hear their opinions on welfare.”
When reached for comment, Captain Awesome’s publicist said, “If Captain Awesome cared what whiny little babies thought, he would have saved that school bus full of kids instead of the model with the awesome jugs.”
