sleep-rapist
What a crummy way to start the day, waking up to realize you’ve been sleep-raping, again. Sleep-raping, by the way, is a good sign to stop taking Ambien.
My friend, Lizzy, found this thing on DontDateHimGirl.com, a website that seems to have been lifted right out of my diary. I guess it’s where girls can let other girls know about terrible guys they’ve dated, so the others don’t make the same mistakes. It’s a world-wide bridge game, basically. It’s like RateMyProfessor.com, except the ‘chili pepper’ icon hints at deep psychological scars. “Sure, he smashed my mother’s gravestone with a sledge hammer, but he looks like James Van Der Beek!”
So, she went to the website, typed in my name, and out came this:
“Adam Bowers:
Adam Bowers is one man I wish i had not come across in my life. He promises women the world, only to lie to them constantly, cheat on them, and abuse them physically. He has been charged with rape recently, and despite his denial of the allegations, everyone knows he did it. (date rape when the girl was completely p***ed out) This rapist lying *** does not deserve to have ANY love for the rest of his worthless life. He is a waste of human flesh. If you like to be treated poorly all the time, and lied to, cheated on, abused, and possibly raped in your sleep, this is the man for you. I just hope you don’t make the same mistakes I did. He pretends he is going to be a lawyer, but he is not motivated enough to finish school. He will never accomplish anything in his life. If you want to be secure, don’t believe his hype. He did manage to deliver pizza for a while. He is a cocaine addict, and used to rip off drug dealers for money and pot. He is truly a de***able human being. Ladies, do yourselves a HUGE favor and don’t EVER get tied up with this guy. You will regret it until the day you walk away from him.”
Seriously, I feel bad for this girl, on behalf of all Adam Bowers’s. Let me just say that this particular Adam Bowers does not represent our people as a whole. We’re a diverse, hard-working people with a rich cultural heritage that is probably boring and white. So, we’re not all bad. Although, I have to say, I’ve crossed paths with other Adam Bowers’s on the internet, and…well, they’re not rapists, but they’re not NOT rapists.
So, don’t judge this Adam Bowers on the actions of my name-brothers. Call me old-fashioned, but THIS Adam Bowers thinks rape is wrong.
By the way, I was gonna re-write a Cathy cartoon and add it to this post, but I can’t stop wondering if there’s someone else out there looking up Cathy cartoons at 2:30 in the morning. May God have mercy on their soul.
