June 2010
1 post
rejected ONN headlines
so i guess i’ll just post the headlines that didn’t make the cut when i freelanced for the onion news network. i’ll just post the ones i thought were decent. if you don’t think they’re decent, well aren’t you just great.
they’re in chronological order, and i thought i’d have them in one giant, exhaustive list, because i’ve always felt...
April 2010
3 posts
Watchabout 6 months ago, i was writing for the ONN, the onion’s video segments. it was considered by all who witnessed it a resounding failure, but i did get 2 jokes in there. this is one of the videos with a headline of mine in it (in the crawl at the bottom of the screen, at around 1:29):
Report: High Unemployment Rate Having No Effect On Bikini-Clad Girls
Watchthis one is at around 0:41 in the crawl:
Americans Fall Behind Nation’s Gorillas In Sign Language Aptitude
that was about 6 months of work.
February 2009
1 post
at last, the feud has a winner
For those of you who have been following this epic war between two IMDB message board posters, the dust has settle and a winner has finally been declared. The battleground? The G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra movie page. The stakes? Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s credibility in playing Cobra Commander. Two men enter, only one will leave. Click the image to zoom in, if you’re prepared to look...
January 2009
2 posts
Today's Headline: Bush Calls Obama With Plan To...
Newly-appointed President Obama received a phone call late Thursday night from ex-President George W. Bush with news that he had found a solution to the massive economic problems plaguing the country. According to a White House aide, Bush told Obama he was contacted via e-mail by a Nigerian prince who needed to hide his fortune from invading rebels before he escaped his country. Asking the...
Today’s Headline: Recession Forces Kid From "Blank...
The nation held its breath today as one of its most iconic millionaires, the kid from Blank Check, announced that, due to the effects of the global economic recession, he was forced to foreclose on his “really awesome” castle. Owned since 1994, the castle, remodeled to include a go-kart track and a waterslide that goes from indoors to the outside swimming pool, is the latest victim of the subprime...
November 2008
0 posts
October 2008
2 posts
“Feet, why do I need them if I have wings to fly?…Oh yeah, for walking.”
– Frida Kahlo
September 2008
1 post
The road to Hell is paved with good vibrations.
If you read this blog, you’re probably wondering where I’ve been the past couple of months. Also, if you read this blog, you’re probably Clarence Johnson from the Crawford County Prison System (Aggravated Rape). Hey, Clarence! Hope this entry helps you “silence the voices,” as you like to say. Where was I? Oh, yes. After raising my eyesight to the start of this entry, I recall saying something...
May 2008
2 posts
"This 'Coach: Season 3' box set is really taking...
Wait. Hayden is going to let Luther coach the game? And he’s going to feed him plays over the phone? What?! All because of a tooth ache? I know those two have cooked up some crazy schemes, but let’s face it, this is by far the craziest. And most hilarious! Wow, this Coach: Season 3 box set is really taking my mind off of my inevitable death. I mean, sure, I could agonize for weeks over...
Today's Headline: Superhero Unmasked As Total...
When construction worker Bill Humphreys, 46, fell off of a wooden plank twenty-two stories up, he saw his life flash before his eyes. His wedding, the first time his son spoke, and his first day on the job. Right before he drew what was sure to be his last breath, he was caught, in mid-air, by a complete stranger. He looked up and, through the glare of the afternoon sun, he saw the face of...
April 2008
6 posts
how to write a montage (or, what comes out when...
This is for all you aspiring screenwriters out there who have ever seen a montage in a Keanu Reeves movie and thought, “That looks like it would be a lot of fun to format according to current screenwriting guidelines.” Well, guess what? It is! You can make a montage out of just about anything, from buying stamps for the Stamp Fair to lying to your children for the Lying To Your...
new york
A couple weeks ago, I was in New York, and I guess you could say I got a little “streetsmart.” That’s right, I learned something about the world. It was pretty cold while I was there, so most people were bundled up in coats, and each one of them taught me a valuable lesson: that people in coats are assholes. I don’t know why, maybe it’s the fabric or the fact that...
sleep-rapist
What a crummy way to start the day, waking up to realize you’ve been sleep-raping, again. Sleep-raping, by the way, is a good sign to stop taking Ambien.
My friend, Lizzy, found this thing on DontDateHimGirl.com, a website that seems to have been lifted right out of my diary. I guess it’s where girls can let other girls know about terrible guys they’ve dated, so the others...
Andy Rooney is old
This is awesome. It’s like everyone’s senile grandfather has national air-time to say whatever he wants.
An Excerpt From the Diary of A Disgruntled Foot...
June 11, 1991 Dear Diary: What the hell have I gotten myself into? I am seriously starting to doubt my career path. I keep asking myself, is it worth $11.50 an hour to get punched in the face by a giant turtle on a skateboard? I’ve been working here for three months and all I do is get the crap kicked out of me by these friggin’ things. And, surprise, no health insurance plan. Every...
avalanche of trains
Hi, my name’s Adam. I’m gonna treat this like a little sketch pad. Who knows what will be on it? I don’t. Will it be good? I think so. Will reading it repair your many failed relationships? Probably. So, depending on which metaphor you prefer, either hop aboard the “fun train,” or brace yourself for a “fun avalanche.” Hope you like it.