Adam Bowers

The road to Hell is paved with good vibrations.

If you read this blog, you’re probably wondering where I’ve been the past couple of months. Also, if you read this blog, you’re probably Clarence Johnson from the Crawford County Prison System (Aggravated Rape). Hey, Clarence! Hope this entry helps you “silence the voices,” as you like to say. Where was I? Oh, yes. After raising my eyesight to the start of this entry, I recall saying something about you (Clarence) wondering where I’ve been the past couple months. But, that’s not important. What is important is what I’m doing now, because, as the saying goes, the past is behind you and the future is like Halloween. As I write this, I’m in the middle of moving to Los Angeles. I know what you’re thinking: “Los Angeles, California?! Why, that’s the most cultured, sophisticated place in the world! He will surely spend his days surrounded by poets and philosophers in that marvelous utopia!” Yes. Yes I will.

But, since saying goodbye to my home in Florida, I’ve decided to finally get something off my chest. It wasn’t an easy decision, but I’ve just done push-ups, so my testosterone is running wild.

The following is a list of people I hate. If it seems a little dated, it’s because I wrote it in third grade. But, as 9/11 taught us: Never forget. Let’s blow some dust off this bitterness.

WHO DO I HATE, by Adam Bowers (grade 3):

Tommy Smitherman- For sticking one of my grapes in your nose at lunch. Classless.

Joshua Fischer- For saying that you wanted to play Trucks the entire summer but telling me in JUNE that Trucks was boring. YOU’RE BORING!

Bobby Smith- For getting the same Ninja Turtles back pack as me. Way to go, we looked like assholes.

Warren Worthington- For beating my score in Sonic 2. I still haven’t been able to reclaim 1st place.

Henry Littleton- For always having chocolate smeared on your face. My God, man, show some self-respect!

Trevor Thomas- For telling everyone that I drop my pants completely at urinals before telling me, privately, that nobody else does.

Matthew Chapman- For having curly hair like I did, but making me look like a jerk by gelling yours back because it otherwise looked ridiculous. Where is your sense of unity?

Levi Gilman- I think this one was for smelling like cherries.

Sarah Palinski- For not assuming that my “skinny times infinity” body, as you seemed to never grow tired of saying, was due to a strict workout regimen. I’ll have you know, I was in the best shape of my life back then.

Terrell Allen- For deluding me into thinking I could play basketball. Then why was there so much crying?

Susan Clemens- For calling me out in front of the whole class when I asked you to tie my shoes for me. You were the worst teacher ever.

Skip Henderson- For having way too fake a name for this to sound real.

"This 'Coach: Season 3' box set is really taking my mind off of my inevitable death"

    Wait. Hayden is going to let Luther coach the game? And he’s going to feed him plays over the phone? What?! All because of a tooth ache? I know those two have cooked up some crazy schemes, but let’s face it, this is by far the craziest. And most hilarious! Wow, this Coach: Season 3 box set is really taking my mind off of my inevitable death.
    I mean, sure, I could agonize for weeks over what makes “life” worth “living,” whatever that means. But, why waste those precious hours when, in 22 minutes, I can see what happens when Hayden and Luther get stranded on the night of Christine’s awards banquet. THOSE two are the ones who should make peace with God, if you know what I mean!
    Now, I used to be one of those fancy “people-who-leave-the-house.” You know the kind: long hair, hacky sack. “Life-huggers.” But, why experience new things when none of it involves the antics of Jerry Van Dyke? I’ve peered into the dark corners of my soul before, and my only thought is “I wish Dauber was here.” His endearing oafishness is much more entertaining than learning the reason for my existence. Maybe the next time some cliché existential crisis wants my attention, it will have some jokes about pie.
    I may have lost my wife and children, but I still have the only family I’ve ever needed: that wacky staff of the Screaming Eagles. Not only do they accept me unconditionally, but, every time we get together, they teach me a valuable life lesson that I would put to good use if I ever came into contact with another human being.
    Emily Dickinson once said, “That I will never come again is what makes life so sweet.” Clearly, she died before the show got picked up for reruns. Life can be tragic that way.
 
 

Today's Headline: Superhero Unmasked As Total Douche Bag

    When construction worker Bill Humphreys, 46, fell off of a wooden plank twenty-two stories up, he saw his life flash before his eyes. His wedding, the first time his son spoke, and his first day on the job. Right before he drew what was sure to be his last breath, he was caught, in mid-air, by a complete stranger. He looked up and, through the glare of the afternoon sun, he saw the face of regional superhero, Captain Awesome. Between the time when his masked savior safely lowered him to the ground to an ecstatic round of applause from his coworkers, and when the anonymous do-gooder flew off towards the horizon, never asking for so much as a thank you, Bill Humphreys discovered who his mysterious life-saver actually was: a total douche bag.
    “I couldn’t believe Captain Awesome saved my life,” said Humphreys. “And I couldn’t believe what a jerk-off he was about it.”
    Humphreys went on to describe Captain Awesome, whose aliases include Mr. Wonderful, John Q. Justice, and the Infinity Man, as “self-absorbed, arrogant, and just an all-around asswipe.”
    “When he caught me, he didn’t even look me in the eye. All he said was, ‘That’s right, Fatso, it’s Captain Awesome.’ I was so stunned, I didn’t thank him, and I didn’t realize until later that he called me ‘Fatso.’ What a tool.”
    Eyewitnesses report that, after saving Humphreys, the superhero stuck around to sign autographs, pose for pictures, and get a high school girl’s phone number.
    “It was just…awesome!” guffawed Jimmy Newton, 34, one of Humphreys co-workers. “I was so happy Bill was alive that I didn’t mind paying twenty-five dollars for a Captain Awesome t-shirt. He must be really strong to carry all of those souvenirs under his cape.”
    While Captain Awesome blew kisses to the adoring crowd, Humphreys was busy prying himself out of a wheelbarrow.
    “I mean, I know he saved my life, but it would have been nice if he didn’t fly away when I tried to ask him about my missing wallet.”
    Humphreys says he spotted Captain Awesome’s douchebaggedness quickly, possessing a “good radar for douche bags,” having dealt with them his entire life. “You know, my sister’s boyfriend in college called himself Captain Awesome, too, and he gave her Chlamydia.”
    Captain Awesome has dealt with accusations of douchebaggery, dickweedery, and buttsuckery before in his career, but this marks the first time it comes from someone who is not a super-villain.
    “Oh, we all hate him,” said evil genius Dr. Bubonix, 52, about the beloved superhero. “Why do you think I’m blowing parts of the city up all the time? Because I hate it? No, I love this town. During our last battle, my Death Copter accidentally torched the building where I rent canoes. That ruined my plans for the entire weekend!”
    Even with the situation behind him, Humphreys is unremorseful about unmasking Captain Awesome as a complete nard-breath. “I hope this knowledge doesn’t make the streets more dangerous, but at least when someone snatches a lady’s purse, they don’t force them to hear their opinions on welfare.”
    When reached for comment, Captain Awesome’s publicist said, “If Captain Awesome cared what whiny little babies thought, he would have saved that school bus full of kids instead of the model with the awesome jugs.”

how to write a montage (or, what comes out when i'm too tired to think)

This is for all you aspiring screenwriters out there who have ever seen a montage in a Keanu Reeves movie and thought, “That looks like it would be a lot of fun to format according to current screenwriting guidelines.” Well, guess what? It is! You can make a montage out of just about anything, from buying stamps for the Stamp Fair to lying to your children for the Lying To Your Children Fair. Montages are a wonderful way to show the passage of time, social/environmental change, and personal (or, if it’s a Sylvester Stallone movie, muscular) growth. Think about all of the lessons we would learn if the montage was a part of everyday life. I think it’s safe to say that the world would be a much better place if we all lived our lives to a Kenny Loggins song.

Well, now that I’ve motivated you, and I have, here’s how to write a montage. I’m going to show you through an example, because I believe in learning-by-doing. I will be doing, you will be learning. A LOT.

SURFING MONTAGE: (You’ll want to label the montage in case the reader forgets that the movie is about surfing.)

1. Johnny and Susie X paddle out to the “sweet spot.” (Be sure to describe any important details about your characters earlier in the script so the reader doesn’t assume that they’re 60 year-old Koreans. Luckily, in this case, they are.)

2. Johnny catches a HUGE wave. While he’s riding his surfboard (which is from the future but he found it), he blows a kiss at Susie X. Susie X catches the kiss and puts it on her wetsuit (but I won’t say where because this movie is rated G). Johnny does a double-take and falls off the board. Susie X laughs and air-fives the lifeguard on shore, who wasn’t impressed before but now he knows her womanhood.

3. This time, Susie X is catching some insane water shreddage. But, the other surfers are laughing because she’s a girl. But Susie X jumps her surfboard over the coolest one’s head, knocking his toupee off. He starts crying like a crazy old man who thinks he’s a baby.

4. Susie X and Johnny surf a monster wave side-by-side. Johnny jumps from his board to Susie X’s for a little “smooching” (it’s a colloquialism), and Susie X smiles like she’s gonna do it. But, at the last minute, seriously, the last second, Susie X pushes Johnny off her board and into a coral reef. (TIP: Writers have trouble finding titles from time to time. In my opinion, titles should reflect the essence of the script, and it’s even better if it works as a metaphor or simile. For instance, this script is called “Susie X Pushes Johnny Off Her Board And Into A Coral Reef.”)

5. Susie X rides with Johnny in the back of an ambulance. Johnny is losing a lot of blood. But, then, Susie X feels bad so she kisses his remaining lip and the two are in love. Oh yeah, and the paramedic with them in the back is totally carrying their boards because he liked to study in high school instead of party.

6. Susie X lies with Johnny on his hospital bed, watching TV. But, they’re both dressed in a tuxedo and wedding dress, and the nurse, who is an ordained minister and a judge, marries them in front of all their family and friends.

                          NURSE/ORDAINED MINISTER/JUDGE
                                       You are married!

Some of the people cheer.

                                          JOHNNY (V.O.) (Which means “voice-over” which means
                                                               something the character writes in his diary
                                                                that night)
                           I never knew Susie X liked me like that. She is
                           now my girlfriend and wife. You may kiss the bride.

They tongue in front of everybody. They don’t even care.

The End.

Well, there you have it. Do you feel patriotic? Because you should. You just did something good for America: you felt emotions. I hope you take those emotions and turn them into a montage, because that’s the circle of life. But, don’t get discouraged when your montage isn’t nearly as good as mine. I’ve been writing them for over less than a decade. Well, there you have it. In the words of the late Susie X: “Life is the biggest wave of all. Let’s ride it together.”

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the song playing over my montage was “When You Believe” by Mariah Carey.

new york

A couple weeks ago, I was in New York, and I guess you could say I got a little “streetsmart.” That’s right, I learned something about the world. It was pretty cold while I was there, so most people were bundled up in coats, and each one of them taught me a valuable lesson: that people in coats are assholes. I don’t know why, maybe it’s the fabric or the fact that they’ve worked hard to lose 20 pounds and they’re frustrated that they can’t show off their slightly less gelatinous bodies to the unprepared world. Regardless, they are unfriendly, self-absorbed, and curt. It’s a fact. Don’t believe me? 

Exhibit A:

Still not convinced? Exhibit B!

And if that wasn’t bad enough, they contribute nothing to society.

There you have it. I’ll leave you with a warning: burn your coats, or you could end up like these worthless slimeballs, drooling and soiling themselves like little babies.

sleep-rapist

What a crummy way to start the day, waking up to realize you’ve been sleep-raping, again. Sleep-raping, by the way, is a good sign to stop taking Ambien.

Those were my first confused thoughts when I read the paragraph below. My friend, Lizzy, found this on DontDateHimGirl.com, a website that seems to have been lifted right out of my diary. I guess it’s where girls can let other girls know about terrible guys they’ve dated, so the others don’t make the same mistakes. It’s a world-wide bridge game, basically. It’s like RateMyProfessor.com, except the ‘chili pepper’ icon hints at deep psychological scars. “Sure, he smashed my mother’s gravestone with a sledge hammer, but he looks like James Van Der Beek!”

So, she went to the website, typed in my name, and out came this:

“Adam Bowers:

Adam Bowers is one man I wish i had not come across in my life. He promises women the world, only to lie to them constantly, cheat on them, and abuse them physically. He has been charged with rape recently, and despite his denial of the allegations, everyone knows he did it. (date rape when the girl was completely p***ed out) This rapist lying *** does not deserve to have ANY love for the rest of his worthless life. He is a waste of human flesh. If you like to be treated poorly all the time, and lied to, cheated on, abused, and possibly raped in your sleep, this is the man for you. I just hope you don’t make the same mistakes I did. He pretends he is going to be a lawyer, but he is not motivated enough to finish school. He will never accomplish anything in his life. If you want to be secure, don’t believe his hype. He did manage to deliver pizza for a while. He is a cocaine addict, and used to rip off drug dealers for money and pot. He is truly a de***able human being. Ladies, do yourselves a HUGE favor and don’t EVER get tied up with this guy. You will regret it until the day you walk away from him.”

Now, this is really frustrating for me…I want to be a lawyer’s ASSISTANT.

Seriously, I feel bad for this girl, on behalf of all Adam Bowers’s. Let me just say that this particular Adam Bowers does not represent our people as a whole. We’re a diverse, hard-working people with a rich cultural heritage that is probably boring and white. So, we’re not all bad. Although, I have to say, I’ve crossed paths with other Adam Bowers’s on the internet, and…well, they’re not rapists, but they’re not NOT rapists.

So, don’t judge this Adam Bowers on the actions of my name-brothers. Call me old-fashioned, but THIS Adam Bowers thinks rape is wrong.

By the way, I was gonna re-write a Cathy cartoon and add it to this post, but I can’t stop wondering if there’s someone else out there looking up Cathy cartoons at 2:30 in the morning. May God have mercy on their soul.

Andy Rooney is old

This is awesome. It’s like everyone’s senile grandfather has national air-time to say whatever he wants.

An Excerpt From the Diary of A Disgruntled Foot Soldier

June 11, 1991

Dear Diary:

    What the hell have I gotten myself into? I am seriously starting to doubt my career path. I keep asking myself, is it worth $11.50 an hour to get punched in the face by a giant turtle on a skateboard? I’ve been working here for three months and all I do is get the crap kicked out of me by these friggin’ things. And, surprise, no health insurance plan.
    Every time I see a turtle now, even a regular one, I freak out. I can’t help it. It’s really emasculating, but do these Teenage Mutant Ninja Pricks care? Not one bit. I might be able to go a shift without a freak of nature punching me in the stomach if the guys I work with weren’t so incompetent. You’re just standing there, watching him break dance?! Do something!
    My wife thinks I should see someone, but no one is sympathetic to my problems. Whenever I tell anyone how my job description basically entails getting publicly beaten and humiliated by turtles in costumes, all they hear is “turtles.” Everyone loooooves the turtles. “You’ve met them? Is Leonardo cute? Is Michelangelo funny?” I couldn’t tell ya. It’s hard to get to know someone when all they do is beat the shit out of you. And last time, the one with the friggin’ stick, he put me in a garbage can and rolled me down a hill. In front of all these people! And they all cheered! How am I supposed to feel after that? But, that thing didn’t give it a second thought. As soon as he pushed me, he just turned around and kicked Marty in the nuts.
    And, the boss is no help at all. I could tell just at the interview that he was gonna be a ball-buster. I mean, who calls himself Shredder? The guy’s an egomaniac. And, I’m pretty sure his accent is fake. A little over-the-top, if ya ask me, buddy. I don’t even think he’s Japanese. I peeked at his mail one day, and I could have sworn it was addressed to a Goldstein. And, he’ll never admit to this, but he didn’t burst his hand through that rubble after that creepy Asian rat threw him off the building. I pulled him out and carried him back to base! Then, I had to rub Icy Hot on his chest while he threw a pity party for himself. You know what I got that Christmas? A gift card to Ruby Tuesday. I know, right?
    I even went up to him after one of the many nights that Raphael pantsed me in front of a group of college girls, I went up to him and told him that maybe we should change strategy a little. You know, surprise ‘em. He looked at me, dead in the face, and I swear to god, he said, “This is working. We’re sticking with the plan.” What plan?! Is he hoping the turtles get so tired of basking in everyone’s friggin’ praise that they turn themselves in? I don’t even think he knows what he would do with these jerks if he ever actually caught them! What is the point of this? I’m beginning to think this is all an elaborate scheme to get that pizza boy friend of theirs laid. If it is, it’s working. Meanwhile, my testicles are constantly numb.
    Mom was right. I shouldn’t have quit school. If I stuck with it, I’d be a dental hygienist right now. Helping people, making them feel good about their smiles. Instead, the best I could hope for in a day’s work is that I don’t get thrown into a river of raw sewage by a gigantic amphibian that somehow has perfect teeth. I didn’t even think turtles had teeth, but apparently they do. Straight, perfect teeth. What a shocker.

avalanche of trains

Hi, my name’s Adam. I’m gonna treat this like a little sketch pad. Who knows what will be on it? I don’t. Will it be good? I think so. Will reading it repair your many failed relationships? Probably. So, depending on which metaphor you prefer, either hop aboard the “fun train,” or brace yourself for a “fun avalanche.” Hope you like it.