Dan Schoenbrun from IFP wrote a nice little post about my last IFP blog entry. Thanks Dan!
I wrote a new blog post for IFP, check it out.
please check out my first film, NEW LOW, which is now available on DVD from the movie’s website and digitally via these outlets:
it’ll be out on more digital outlets soon. here’s Sundance’s page for it. hope ya like it.
Here’s a new blog post I wrote.
I’m writing a blog for IFP now. Here’s my first post.
I wrote a blog this week for Filmmaker Magazine on my experiences in the Emerging Visions program.
so i guess i’ll just post the headlines that didn’t make the cut when i freelanced for the onion news network. i’ll just post the ones i thought were decent. if you don’t think they’re decent, well aren’t you just great.
they’re in chronological order, and i thought i’d have them in one giant, exhaustive list, because i’ve always felt that’s the best way to read something that’s supposed to be funny.
this makes me feel like i’m doing something with my life.
HEADLINES:
Athlete Is Naturally Gifted Asshole
Nobel Prize Winner Has Small Penis, Is Half A Man
Increasingly Liberalized Christianity Replaces “Amen” With “Spring Break”
Letters In Ransom Note Clearly Taken From “O Magazine”
Report Finds That People Who Exercise 90% More Likely To Fucking Brag About It
Disney’s Africa-Themed Animal Kingdom Opens Mr. Toad’s Wild Genocide
Scientists Discover That Before Big Bang, Universe Was A Pizza Hut
(if you get this joke, please email me, because you and i are soul mates)
Nation’s Homeless Want Everyone To Know They Were Homeless Before It Became Popular
New Children’s Book, Everybody’s Poop, Turning Toddlers Into Misanthropes
Tired Of Waiting, Meek Sue For Earth
——————
Shoppers Eagerly Line Up At 5 AM For Chance To Trample Wal-Mart Employee To Death
New iPhone App Helps User Feel Something, Anything
Christmas Once Again About Jesus As Jesus Doll Craze Sweeps Nation
Nation Once Again Successfully Avoids Native Americans For Entire Columbus Day
In New Movie, Hillary Swank Makes Herself More Unattractive Than Any Of Us Ever Dreamed
Europe Under Fire For “Changing” America’s College Graduates
Boy In Wheelchair Completes Marathon Without Doing Any Of The Work
Attractive People Enter Into Relationship, Proving True Love Exists
Report: Nation’s Adults Worse At Cursive Every Day
——————-
Earth To Become Wet ‘N Wild By 2100
In Heroic Stand Against Global Warming, Woman Absorbs Sun’s Rays
Report: College Grads Turning Down Jobs, Holding Out To Become Hotel Heiresses
Professional Wrestling Now Most Stable Job Industry
Kindle Use On Rise; Guy Who Draws Boners In Library Books Living Every Day Like It’s His Last
American Robots Losing Jobs To Robots Overseas
Groundbreaking New Film Not Based On Any Other Film
Macaulay Culkin Spends Christmas Home, Alone
—————-
Huge, Trash-Covered Area In Pacific Ocean To Be Developed Into Condos
Method Actor Only Method When Playing Alcoholic
World’s Oldest Woman Not As Great As She Thought
2 Victims Of Failed Marriage Tragically Continue Living
Government Dips Into Emergency Cranberry Sauce Reserves
(a little thanksgiving joke for ya)
Turkeys Slaughter Millions Of Americans In 1st Annual Turkey Independence Day
Economy Finally Experiences Growth After Man Decides To Order “Babylon 5” Box Set
Child Plays “Harvest Moon,” Kills 30 People With A Shovel
Report: Photograph Of Nicole Richie In Bikini This Century’s “Migrant Mother”
——————
Controversial New Vampire Film Causes Little Girls To Fully Experience Puberty In Two And A Half Hours
World Climate Conference Forgets To Meet For 30th Year In A Row
World Climate Conference Realizes They’ve Been Figuring Out How To Save Venus This Whole Time
World Climate Conference Meets To Once Again Spend A Few Days Away From All The Pollution
Study: 90% Of Golden Retrievers Repressing Strong Homosexual Urges
Heroic Dog Leads Rescuers To Missing Owner’s Stash Of Pornography
Wind Turns Motorcyclist’s Shirt Into Halter-Top
Kevin O’Connell Inadvertantly Included In Pro-Life Activist’s Statement That “All Life Is A Miracle”
“Those Who Forget History Are Doomed To Repeat It,” World Forgets
——————-
Out Of Comics, Fox Has No Choice But To Produce “Sally Forth” Movie
Grand Wizard: “This Isn’t The America I Love”
Young, Rich 20 Year-Old Travels To Poor Country, Country Learns Deep Values
Poll: “The Office” Starting To Feel Like The Office
Starbucks To Sell Hamburgers
LL Bean Introduces New Line Of Clothes Scientifically Designed To Illicit Laughter From Hip Youth
Oceans Raise Temperature To Make Humans More Comfortable In Water
Only Knowledge Retained From Years In School Are Rules Of Four-Square
———————
Consumers Demand Organic Vegetables In Their Disgusting Junk Food
Lost Child Found At Arcade; Parents Allowed One Punch
Nitrogen-Inflated Balloons Turn Old Man’s Flying House Into 2nd Hindenberg
Group Of Friends On Camping Trip Unaware They’re About To Become Search Party
Earth’s Soil Dries Up After Squeezing Out One Last Tomato For A Taco Bell Grilled Stuffed Burrito
College Scientist Says Cup Of Dirty Water Best Way To Clean Ping-Pong Ball
Man Dies From Exhaustion Before His Video Game Character Does
Barrel Of Monkeys Ruins Man’s Life
Hot New Dessert Fad: $7 Bowl Of Milk
—————-
PETA Releases New Video Exposing Harsh Treatment Of Shirtless Abercrombie & Fitch Greeters
Administrative Professionals Day, Formerly Secretaries Day, Is Efficient And Dignified, Formerly Fun
Couple On “Meerkat Manor” Splits Up
Underage Girl Accuses Jonas Brother Of Giving Her Promise Ring
World’s First Sentient Robot Put On Anti-Depressants
—————-
Ralph Nader Mounts Beautiful White Steed, Rides Into Sunset
President Adopts Michelle Obama’s Image To Gain Popularity
Study Shows Black President Not Ready For Nation
President Obama Replaced With Kevin Kline, Fooling No One
Obama Serves Food At Homeless Shelter; 15 Dead
Michelle Obama Acts Friendly Towards Old Woman, Sparking Nation-Wide Craze Of Tolerance Of Old People
—————-
Video Game-Adapted Movie To Be Adapted Into Video Game
“Sex And The City 2” To Be Screened In 1-Dimension
In Latest Performance, Terry Bradshaw Not Believable As Human Being
Christian Slater To Star In New Home Movie
Michael Douglas And Shia LaBeouf Play Self-Obsessed Assholes In Real Life
Entire Film About Attractive Manhattan Socialites Watched While Eating Goobers
New PG-13 Rating Requires Every Moviegoer To Be Accompanied By 13 Year-Old
“The Joy Of Reading” To Be Adapted Into Movie
——————-
Teen Murdered, Dies A Virgin
Fireworks Store Victim Of Arson, Says Cheering Crowd
Report: Really Out-Of-Shape Woman On Why You Should Drink Kombucha
Congress Forces Irresponsible Executives To Trade Places With Wisecracking Street People
Report: How To Make Your Own Unleaded Gasoline
Nation’s Waiters To Overweight Customers Ordering Dessert: “Good For You”
——————-
Pepsi To Distribute Mountain Dew In Ditches On Side Of Highways
Sweatshop Worker Not Aware That T-Shirt She’s Sewing Is Ironic
Cancun Study On Global Warming Shows Most Of White Halter-Top To Be Covered In Water By March
Nickelodeon Spooge Debuts, Is Immediately Pulled From Shelves
Kirstie Alley Loses 100 lbs. As Part Of Life’s Endless Cycle Of Death And Re-Birth
Two Rational Adults To Settle Dispute In Steel Cage Match
“Plain-Sight Killer” Still On The Loose
—————-
Star Of New Holocaust Film Offers Tips On How To Make The World’s Best Honey-Baked Ham
Dolphin In Research Experiment Learns To Communicate The Phrase “Fuck You”
Report: Why Your Stroller May Be Embarrassing Your Infant
How To Shelter Your Home Against Outside Opinions
Comedian Has Shocking New Insights Into Differences Between Men, Women
Probably Gay Guy Releases New Book Of Probably Gay Poems
Today Now! Kidz Newz: 15 Dead In Iraq
————-
New Step Towards Equality As African-Americans Finally Get Their Own Female Stereotype
Movie Star Offers Relationship Advice: Become A Movie Star
Photo Taken During Happiest Time Of Man’s Life Used As “Before” Picture
World’s Dumbest Criminals: Robber Has Mental Retardation
Author Talks About New Conservative Children’s Book, The Tree That Makes You Earn It
—————-
Winner Of Paralympics Blames God
New Diet Fad: Food Not Wrapped In Bacon
Governor’s Wife Sparks Nationwide Flabby-Arm Craze
Report: How To Navigate Your Way Through A Blu-Ray Image Of Edward James Olmoss’s Face
Congressional Typo Leads To Immediate Passage Of Health Cake Overhaul
Reality Show Producers Investigated By PETA For Mistreatment Of Danny Bonaduce
Undercover FBI Agent On Years Spent Doing Really Good Coke
South-American President Wins Election By Default After Opponent Drops Out Of Moving Vehicle
———————
Global Warming Revealed To Be Elaborate Mindfreak
WWII Veteran Revisits Site Of Battle Over Price Of Deli Meat
Self-Help Author On How To Avoid Ending Up As Self-Help Author
New Extreme Reality Show Follows Brave Men Who Film “Deadliest Catch”
How To Make Sure Your Child’s Teacher Isn’t Turning Your Son Or Daughter Into A Gerontocrat
More College Grads Doing Keg Stands At Home
New A&E Show, “Grievers,” Examines Homes Of People As They Bawl Uncontrollably
——————-
Report: Fun New Way To Spend Father’s Day: Meeting Illegitimate Children
Family Full Of Domestic Violence Wins Big On “Family Feud”
Could Your Baby Inherit Your Vestigial Tail?
Man Begins Drug Addiction Just To Have Quirk For Reality Show Audition
How To Tell If You’re Ready For Your Roommate To Break Up With His Girlfriend
Under Fire, Nation’s Nerds Forced To Hide Textbooks In Playboys
Nation’s Acquaintances Coming On Too Strong
—————-
Fireworks That Young Couple Fall In Love Under Actually Gang War
School Of Hard Knocks Now Montessori Academy
Half-Asian Golfer Somehow Not Connecting With African-Americans
Rapper Up Until The Break Of Dawn After Reading Ghost Story
Fingerboarders Vandalize Hot Wheels Police Car
about 6 months ago, i was writing for the ONN, the onion’s video segments. it was considered by all who witnessed it a resounding failure, but i did get 2 jokes in there. this is one of the videos with a headline of mine in it (in the crawl at the bottom of the screen, at around 1:29):
Report: High Unemployment Rate Having No Effect On Bikini-Clad Girls
this one is at around 0:41 in the crawl:
Americans Fall Behind Nation’s Gorillas In Sign Language Aptitude
that was about 6 months of work.
my netflix queue has come to a defining crossroads
For those of you who have been following this epic war between two IMDB message board posters, the dust has settle and a winner has finally been declared. The battleground? The G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra movie page. The stakes? Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s credibility in playing Cobra Commander. Two men enter, only one will leave. Click the image to zoom in, if you’re prepared to look death in the face.
It’s like watching Stephen Hawkin and Roger Penrose debate quantum mechanics, except for the credentials of the debaters, the venue, and the relevance to anything important. Other than that, though, it’s exactly the same.
Newly-appointed President Obama received a phone call late Thursday night from ex-President George W. Bush with news that he had found a solution to the massive economic problems plaguing the country. According to a White House aide, Bush told Obama he was contacted via e-mail by a Nigerian prince who needed to hide his fortune from invading rebels before he escaped his country. Asking the ex-president to help him hide $60,000,000 in his bank account, the deposed prince would supposedly “makeit worth his! WHILE,” promising Bush half of his fortune, made up mostly of rare Nigerian jewels. Eager to fix the recession his policies helped cause, Bush quickly e-mailed the prince all of his bank account information, also attaching a picture of his dog, Barney, to cheer him up. President Obama reportedly broke the news to Bush, who was squealing with excitement, that not only was he the victim of a widely-known internet scam, but the amount of money promised to him would not begin to repair the damages his administration had caused over the past eight years. Not understanding him, Bush went on to tell Obama about a product he purchased online that guarantees an increase in the length and girth of the ex-president’s penis.
The nation held its breath today as one of its most iconic millionaires, the kid from Blank Check, announced that, due to the effects of the global economic recession, he was forced to foreclose on his “really awesome” castle. Owned since 1994, the castle, remodeled to include a go-kart track and a waterslide that goes from indoors to the outside swimming pool, is the latest victim of the subprime mortgage crisis.
Holding a press conference, the kid from Blank Check said, “As I hung upside-down on my fly paper wall, I just remembered that God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.” He then attempted to wipe a tear from his eye, but had trouble due to the gigantic boxing gloves he was wearing.
Bursting into the public eye during the mid-90’s, the kid from Blank Check repeatedly owed all of his success to the fact that he “had a million dollars, after taxes.”
But times had been reportedly tough for the kid from Blank Check as of late. His limo driver, that fat guy who kind of looks like John Candy, was let go in March. “I could tell it was hard for him, but he let me keep the sumo suits,” that guy, who’s surprisingly likable, said. “I guess it’s back to having small roles in movies like Groundhog Day.”
The kid from Blank Check, known among socialites for his countless toy-buying montages set to Bow Wow Wow’s “I Want Candy,” was reportedly seen sitting in the Men’s Suits section at a Bloomingdales, crying into his hands next to a boom box playing Madonna’s “Material Girl.” He was later seen dancing in a fountain, but, as one onlooker remarked, “It came off forced…(and) when he was done he just lied down on a bus stop bench, soaking wet.”
The castle has been swarming with press since speculation began. During his last night there, the kid from Blank Check was seen sadly looking out from the top of his watchtower, listening to a Bobby Brown song.
The nation’s working-class seems less sympathetic to the kid from Blank Check’s troubles. “I don’t know what it’s like to lose that much,” said Tone Lōc, a struggling rapper-who-sometimes-appears-in-Disney-movies, “but, it probably feels like being forced by your manager to appear in mediocre family films to pay off your huge gambling debt.”
“It could be a lot worse,” he continued. “People need to keep perspective. I mean, I saw him on “TMZ” last night, out on a date with Karen Duffy. Karen fucking Duffy.”
However, a close friend to the kid from Blank Check’s family reports that he’s having trouble coming to grips with his new financial situation. The friend notes that he was overly excited to get his tax return, but when he looked at the amount, he shouted, “What a rip-off! It’s a check for nothing!”
To add to his troubles, the kid from Blank Check has recently joined the list of corporate executives under investigation for financial misconduct. When reached for questioning, one prosecutor said, “Honestly, how he bought all of that stuff with just a million dollars… I’m suspecting fraud.”
The kid from Blank Check collects his unemployment.
On a related note, Disney is currently developing a sequel to the 1994 documentary called Unemployment Check, where the kid from Blank Check will buy a jet pack and a robot butler on fifty-one dollars a week.
This is my favorite headline ever.
